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Good morning! Today's goal: avoid becoming a human burrito in your blanket. You freaks have got this!

Maybe I should try to be as intimidating as a shark... I can be serious sometimes!! 🤣 Da-na da-na-beware of the Bambi! LOL!! Ok, I can never be taken seriously, it is not in me!!! 😜

Sharks have been around for millions of years, and I can't even keep my indoor plants around for longer than a few days! LOL, we need to take some notes from these hunting machines... 😅

They've conquered extinction events while we're on a never-ending quest to find a matching pair of socks in our messy morning rush. It's as if they're cruising through life on the easiest setting, and we're stuck in a video game struggling to locate matching socks.

Sharks are fucking fascinating creatures that have survived millions of extinctions, the end of the world!!! LOL not really, but these big and beautiful creatures are so feared and yet they are so stealthy!! ALL you freaks need to look at the sharks up close let me know what you think in my DMs 😉

Wake up and smell the... oh wait, that's just your alarm reminding you it's morning.

Mid masturbation snack is what I was ACTUALLY thinking the banana was for! You are all such fucking freaks! I love how you all make me laugh! 🤣

Tell me what was the WEIRDEST thing you ever bought and what you thought the cashier thought? Slide into my DMs, and let me know how it went! 🤣 The STRANGEST thing that I can think of would maybe be bananas and lube. 🤐

LOL! I had dark glasses and a coat on, that's where the confusion must have come in... But fuck, I am just innocently trying to be discrete lately. I draw WAY too much attention to myself as it is! 🤣

The FIRST thing that came to mind was BDSM and that can't be seen that badly nowadays... I mean I think BDSM is super fucking HOT! 😏 And then a friend of mine corrected me to what the cashier probably thought! 🤐

Hey there, early bird! The worm snoozed too long and missed the party – it's all yours now.

I hope you all have the BEST fucking night! All you freaks deserve only the best things and I hope we can share them! 😏

Thank you freaks! At least I know I am not the only one who loses shit that is right in front of them! LOL! It's just one of those things that I need to get over and laugh about! 😋

The treasure hunt for things that are right there, it's like I am choosing to ignore its existence but I really am NOT, it's the desperation and the urgent need for it that makes me panic that it fell into the black hole of nothingness and it will all be gone forever!! 🥺

Or when I realize I need my glasses only to spend fucking HOURS moving things around, searching under the bed. Moving cushions around, opening and closing the fridge but they are on top of my head. They are right there but it's almost like I just imagined they had gone into a black hole! 🤣

How many times a day do you guys go into full panic mode looking for something that is in your hand? LOL, like 10 mins ago I was looking for my phone WHILE on it. WTF is wrong with me? Please go to your DMs and tell me you all do it too. 🤐

Good morning, slugabed! Time to rise and shine before your bed starts charging you rent.

The adventures of a strand of hair. Omg, the stories would be ENDLESS, other than those poor strands that go down the drain... But what journey can continue in the drain? LOL! Not sure I wanna find out 🤐

It could have been worse, I could have left a cake or something and that poor hair would have missed being free floating in the wind... Although I can imagine being stuck to a cake wouldn't be bad, the cake wouldn't last long though 😋

Imagine being that little strand of blue hair, freed from all containment, with adventure all around it! There are no fucking limits... BAM stuck to a bunch of flowers with nowhere to go now... All adventure stops there 😲

There is no fucking way I could ever get any with anything. Tried to surprise my friend who had been away with a bunch of flowers and no card so they could feel special but noooooo a rouge strand of blue hair was attached and they INSTANTLY knew it was me! 🤐

𝐍𝐄𝐓𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐗 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐋 The biggest duo-squirting scene in my library! Quote #NETFLIX&SPILL in your DMs to have it forever! @daintywilder

Time to wake up! It's a new day, and maybe time for some breakfast too. 😋

Omg, the weirdness that was today. At least I can laugh at myself and not take things too seriously!! I mean if they didn't go back to their former glory purple shorts would have been cute too! 😋

OMG!!! Thank you!! Vinegar got the blueberry stain out! Last thing I thought of!! This is fucking great, they are no longer purple-speckled shorts they are back to my beautiful white shorts! Shining bright in all their glory! LOL!

The attempt to unpancake my now purple and white shorts is not going great... FFS imagine I was out and this happened. Who puts breakfast on a chair?? Me clearly 😅

FFS! I really was either half asleep or just not fucking paying any attention to what I was doing. For some reason, I put my breakfast on my chair and not on the table. I went to grab a drink and BAM my delicious breakfast turned into a pill! Omg you guys whyyyy did I let this happen?? 😅

Trying out some DIY today, I thought it would be so cool to try it went to the hardware store to buy some rope and tape because I have such a GREAT idea for doing something really creative but the looks I got from the cashier were fucking next level!! 🤐

FFS! I really was either half asleep or just not fucking paying any attention to what I was doing. For some reason, I put my breakfast on my chair and not on the table. I went to grab a drink and BAM my delicious breakfast turned into a pill! Omg you guys whyyyy did I let this happen?? 😅

Morning! What helps you get up in the morning? Send me a DM and let me know! 💗