Diary of an Internet Whore, 2020-08-27
I know, I’m “supposed” to get back right away to the part of the story with my sister, but this isn’t a story on a linear timeline. It’s all messed up, like my head and my emotions most of the time. I used to always pride myself on being a rational person that analyses everything and makes wise decisions, until I realized that I am mostly guided by my passions and fall into utter despair when I do not allow myself to be and feel.
I think that’s where a lot of my self-doubt, shame, and guilt comes from. I always wanted to be some kind of savior for my family, to be the responsible one that does the right thing at the right time. As a kid, it was nice not to have too much discipline, as I was free to go about and do my things, ride my bike with my friends, come back late, eat at whatever times, play video games super late, dwelve on my somewhat unhealthy obsessions as much as I pleased. I’m not really sure why, but at a quite early age, this lack of accountability just felt wrong. Although I didn’t have the maturity to understand it, I kind of took it upon myself to become the responsible one. I was also the eldest son (feels weird to say that now that I’m a chick, but oh well, that’s what I was back then, at least physically) and our life was erratic at times and it was difficult for my parents to get by. I make it sound like it was bad, and sure there were lots of people around us who had an easier time financially, but we never lacked food or anything. I know we had it good compared to most other people on the planet so I can’t really complain.
Where was I? The guilt, the shame, the responsibility. We had it rough for a while, and we also had bullies where we lived. I was always the smallest in class, smaller than the girls even, with long blonde curly hair, an easy target. We moved a lot, I went to 3 different elementary schools so making friends was always something to start over. Eventually, I was just hiding in the library, reading books. I learned a lot of things. I loved novels, but I was also deep into scientific books, reading about the secrets of the universe. I loved Isaac Asimov’s scientific writings, they fuelled my mind, and not only this, but all this reading gave me an edge on other students. If I couldn’t be popular, I could certainly be the smartest. I applied to a school for the gifted, has to pass some tests, and I got in. My family was proud of me. Everyone always thought of me as someone with brains who’s gonna make it using his (now her) brains. Years later, I graduated university with honours and grants.
So that’s where I’m getting to. In the car, telling my sister that I am venturing into the unknown, into pornography. Coming out as a full-blown shemale some four years ago was already quite the shock to everyone around me. Nobody had a clue of why I had always been such an unhappy person despite always being successful at what I set myself to achieve. My problem was that I was successful at portraying this persona I had built, but I was totally failing at being myself. I thought that who I am, my inner feelings and passions were shameful perversions that should be repressed to the furthest recesses of my soul. I had to set the example and inspire and save everyone... but I lost myself along the way.
Truth is, the only way to save others is to save yourself first. How could I have ever believe I could help my family become happy by preventing myself from being happy myself? I was so prejudiced against myself, I was doing more damage than helping. My first great lesson regarding this paradox was how all our relationships improved when I came out and started transitioning. There we were in the story: I had to come out again. If I started pulling away once more, we’d get back to the same vicious cycle.
So I spilled the beans.
I told her.
I’m an Internet Whore, sister. I suck dick and get fucked on camera for a living.
To my utter surprise, she didn’t have a knee-jerk reaction. When she learned about how I had been doing, how I had been living, she first asked me why? She asked me if I was safe, how things are going with my partner? Am I being made to do things I do not want to do? Am I comfortable with all this? She also said she was sorry, that she knows one of the reasons I wasn’t coming back to live at dad’s home was because we always get into fights her and I about stupid things.
I was surprised to get an apology and told her I’m aware I’ve been struggling a lot in the past 15 years and I really wasn’t easy to live with. I was so filled up with anger, despair, depressive thoughts. I wasn’t a really pleasant and easy-to-get-along with person, so I can’t blame you for having reactions yourself, but you know that these past couple years I’ve had it even more difficult. I know you all thought that I’d suddenly become happy after coming out, but it’s a process, and I’ve worked really hard to try making it on my own and back lucks keep happening. My life fell apart three months ago, I lost all my jobs, my apartment, most of what I own, I moved in as a last resort with my then boyfriend, and things didn’t work out and I ended up on the streets, I really needed a break and a warm welcome home you know, to feel like I have a home. But it felt as if I don’t have a home. Like I’m a burden, like you didn’t want me there. I would have appreciated some support even if I am moody. Who wouldn’t be when they lose everything, their job, their home, their belongings, and their boyfriend, all in such a short timeframe? And I’m tired, tired of working so hard and hating every day of my life, striving to reach a goal that keeps slipping away from me.
I told her that not all is bad. The more I think about it, the more I’m seeing the positive. If all my life hadn’t fallen apart like this, I would have never taken the gamble to do what I’m doing now. Truth is, I was slipping into unhappiness again, I wasn’t seeing anyone, I was always typing away behind the keyboard, translating reports, manuals, working and working and always feeling exhausted and not seeing friends and family and being bitter. I’ve been trapped behind a computer screen for 20 years. What good is it to become beautiful if nobody ever sees me, and worse even, if it prevents me from spending time with those I love? It defeats the purpose.
So yes, sister, I am doing better. I realize that I’ve been asking too much of myself, too much of others, and not feeling enough gratitude. In only 3 years, I’ve been able to turn my life around to a 180. The lesson is that I was once again getting lost on the objective and not enjoying the journey and it was making me become bitter and resentful. To be honest, there is one thing I can do, one thing that I’m good at and that I enjoy very much, but it is another taboo, even moreso I think than being a trans. I want to be a pornstar. I know it seems weird and many people will judge me and say I’m wasting my life and brains away, but please hear me out. For the first time in years, when I wake up in the morning, I’m excited to start my day. I enjoy every part of it. I enjoy having a reason to stay fit, healthy, and pretty. I didn’t have sex for 12 years, and now I need it. I enjoy getting fucked senseless every day, discovering myself and my body and what makes me lose my mind into physical senses. I’m thrilled at the idea of meeting my idols at some near point in the future, and becoming one of them, being part of the club. I enjoy the interactions with my fans, their feedback, their stories, how they make me realize the importance of opening up to others, to friends, to family. I enjoy being genuine once again.
- “You have fans?!,” she exclaimed, “what do you mean you have fans? Like, you’re becoming some kind of movie star but for sex? That’s fucking cool!”
I was surprised that she took it so well.
- “Well, I’m no star yet, but I have big plans, and I work very hard at it, every day, 12-14 hours a day. I’ve never worked so hard for so little money, but at least I’m having a great time doing it. I have to take it to the next level though. I have to go mainstream and reach out to actual porn productions and experience the real thing. I really want to, but it’s complicated...”
- “What can possibly be complicated? Just do it! I’m excited for you. I hope you stay safe though.”
- “Well, you know, when you love someone despite how they’ve hurt you... I kind of want to go back with my ex, but I feel stupid, but I just can’t bring myself to do it without telling him. I’d feel as if I were betraying him, in a sense.”
She laughed, and added, “Now you know how I felt about my ex, and why I went back to him so many times before finally leave him for good. Remember how you told me I was stupid and should just drop him? We’ll now it’s your turn to feel that way! It’s weird how we’re all the same, you, mom and I. Welcome to the club of the dumb girls who go back to their ex.”
She was right. I will have to have the talk with him, because I am stopping myself from going all-out. I do not want to wake up in 5-10 years, and ask myself “What would have been” when it is too late. The time is now. I’m still you-ng, I look even you-nger than I am, I’m hot, I’m naughty, I’m talented, I’m willing, and opportunities are starting to knock at the door. I have to give it a real shot and not let it slip away because it will not come back forever.
I have to release this burning desire and show it all bare, my naked soul, allow myself to be what I am, whatever that is, however scary it feels, because that means discovering who I am, so I can one day feel at peace with myself and connect with others on a deep level. I have to save myself before I can save others and if that means I have to get down on my knees and suck dick like a champ, get banged hard on camera, be dirty, uncensored, then so be it.
I have to let the vixen out, or her anger will consume me again.
Woah! I've been wanting to visit the enchanted forest for a couple years now, and tonight I'm being taken out to venture into its magical atmosphere! I hope pictures are allowed, I'll try to show you what it is when I get back tomorrow or Thursday, along with the rest of the story with my sister! Take care 💋
TGIM everyone! Why? Because today is a special milestone day. This new release is my first threesome on camera! Remember two weeks ago I went on a Jeep ride with a new friend? Well, let me introduce her to you: tsviper! We hit it off so well that we decided to try to shoot a movie together and it turns out we had a blast, so stay tuned for future collaborations between her and I. Tsviper is an experienced camgirl and dominatrix. Check out her page MISS VIPER https://onlyfans.com/tsviper
I was really excited to do this as I've been fantasizing about getting double-teamed since FOREVER! I hope I get to do it more and more, and who knows, maybe by three dicks next time? 😻 I know it sounds like a total corny lie, but this was also my first actual threesome. I did have one other before, but it was with a vagina and a dick, so that's the first time in my life I was getting 2 dicks inside me (which is what threesome means to me) at the same time, AND it was on cam. I was having the time of my life.
In this first threesome video starring yours truly, tsviper is dressed for business and encounters Avril Vixxxen in a sexual context for the first time. Watch her check out and test the merchandise before deciding that I'm "whore-thy" of a rough spitroast fuck on all fours with dicks riding up my ass and throat at the same time, followed by a double deepthroat with two dicks in my mouth at the same time, and two facials for your favourite submissive cumwhore 😇😈
Diary of an Internet Whore, 2020-08-23
On Whoring and Friendships
I know you were all expecting the follow-up to the story with my sister, but it will be for another day. It’s my diary after all! I’m sitting here, getting ready for another porn shoot, and I’m kind of pissed off.
For the past 4 hours, I’ve been doing the unglamorous part of shooting porn. First, there’s the fact that I can’t eat anything *all day* before shooting, except maybe some vodka and watermelon juice: I’d fucking puke my brains out if I were to deepthroat a monster cock with anything else in my stomach, and the alcohol helps me relax a bit and take the abuse. Make no mistake: I do love getting facefucked and my ass drilled by monster cock, but it’s no walk in the park. Sometimes it makes me puke so hard so nerves clench up in my neck, from all the stretching that the cock create deep, deep down my throat, past the Adam’s apple bone (trachea). It’s a mesmerizing feeling, my entire body wants to clench up, to push out the intruder, but I’ve learned to control my gag reflex and just take it, learn to relax and breathe through my nose while a man is shoving his meat inside my mouth, pushing in and out, TRYING to make me puke but I just have to suck harder and defy him until he comes.
But I am hungry. I only get that one meal a day, after a porn shoot.
Then, aside from not eating for deepthroating, comes the dreadful part: getting my anus pornstar clean. This is SO BORING. Nobody thinks about this, but getting my ass drilled by monster dicks requires some serious preparation. I spend on average 2 hours just to get that hole ready. It involves multiple enem as to get eveeeerything out, then I have to stretch it with dildos, pre-lube everything really deep so I don’t have to use lube on set. When you have to do it every day, five times before a scene, it gets really boring and repetitive. But I want to do quality work. I have to be squeaky clean. Plus, I do a lot of ass to mouth so it’s for my own well-being also. My new double dildos come quite handy for the pre-lubing part. That’s not so bad.
But then it does get tedious, cleaning for hours a day.
Then there’s all the makeup and hairdos. I usually log in to my account and try to chat as much as I can with everyone while doing it, but I also have to focus on doing it correctly. All-in-all just getting clean and dolled up is a good 4 hours of my day. That’s without counting the workouts during the week and the dieting, the cost of products, the innumerable appointments for hair colouring, laser, surgeries, lip augmentation, etc. It never ends. And when you think that’s it, there’s also the hunting for locations to film, negotiating deals, advertizing, social media, the actual video and photo editing. 14-hour days, 6 days a week. I really, REALLY care to give you all my best, to perform, to give you more than your money’s worth, that you get off and live fantasies through my videos.
But then it is a lot of hours to put in, even if it’s my passion.
I love it, I love the lifestyle. I know I wouldn’t want to do anything else anymore. I’m fully on board and I give it my all. I want to create amazing material, and connect with other people, and share stories and kinks and ideas. I haven’t been in this industry for long and lately, things happened that saddened me and made me realize I’ll have to build a tougher skin. I thought I was making some friends too, at least online friends. Sometimes when I get ready for a shoot, I’m alone in my room and it does get boring. I always have the JRE podcasts to keep me company, but for those of you who know me a bit more I like to chat on and off. I don’t say Hi, Goodbye, Hru’s, etc. Just ongoing existential conversations for days on end is my way of doing online relationships.
But then there’s those who become clingy and even demanding.
They get angry when I don’t reply fast enough, even if we’ve been chatting for days, weeks, months on end. And you all know I don’t charge for that, I’m just having fun. Most others do charge. I just do it for the fun. But it can’t be *required or *expected out of me just at any time. I have to work hard to create the videos I do, the content that enables me to eat and pay my bills. I can’t even afford my own place yet. And then at some point one becomes too pushy, I’m like dude, you’ve never spent a penny on my stuff, yet I still chat just cause you’re fun, and then he tells me “there’s plenty of free content on porn hub, I don’t pay for porn”.
Well, congratulations. I can’t believe he’s proud to tell me that. Here I am spending 14 hours a day making great content, literally spending $60 000 on surgeries and video equipment, chatting day in day out, and he’s telling me my work is worthless? He gets off to it, but he’s insulted when I tell him I have to go do the work and can’t chat for now, and sometimes even has the balls to ask me why I don’t give them away all my vids for free? That I should be doing this ONLY for the fun? Well sorry, if it’s that way, I just can’t. At some point, I’d love to afford a roof over my head. Producing quality videos costs time and money. And then I realize that it doesn’t matter, I was just his whore, but he didn’t even pay me and ran away. What sucks is that I didn’t know; I thought it was a kind of friendship and I didn’t mind he wasn’t buying.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m having fun. Yesterday, I watched Rocco Siffredi’s documentary on Netflix. The guy is obsessed with porn, just like I am. I literally crave doing porn every day. I wanna watch it, produce it, star in it, I just need it. I totally get that guy, and watching him talk just made me so horny. I saw the sexual beast in his eyes. I understood what makes him tick when I saw him questioning and tormenting the girls before shoots. He wants to see what lies in the deepest corners of your mind. I’m the same, but opposite: I just want to show you all how horny and dirty and kinky I really am. But I did invest 10 years of my life into this, and I do work insane hours, and at some point, it just feels like if I were a start-up restaurant owner, and all my friends were storming into my venue expecting meals on the house. Wait in line, take a seat, and if you want me to succeed, help a bit. But even that, I rarely if ever say it. What pisses me off the most I when someone gets so self-entitled that if I refuse to give away free material, they just delete or block me. Like wtf? I didn’t ask for anything, I give a lot for free, if you want more pay for it, or just wait for what I’m giving out.
At the end of the day, I think about all of you and the conversations we have throughout the day, the ideas we exchange, and I grow as a person too through all of this. I am thankful to all those of you who have been here since the beginning, and others who find out about me and come here, reach out, and support me in many ways, through likes, tips, purchasing videos, or just being there when I’m feeling really low from all the stuff I’m going through in my personal life, and especially when you send me testimonials of how I help you go through your own struggles through my writings.
I’m off to get manhandled in another video. Have a great evening and I still love you all. I just had to vent a bit. This is more than a job to me. It's my passion, my life now. I'm not in it just for the money, although yes, of course I do need it. But some of you know me even better than my real-life friends. And I sure share more secrets here than I do with people who know me in my vanilla life. In many ways, we are closer than I am with the people in my physical life. So when someone just tells me it’s all worthless, that I’m worthless, it does hurt. I do care. Maybe I shouldn’t so much.
Even if I’m just an Internet Whore, I’m a person with feelings too.
Yoooo what did I get myself into, that double-headed dildo is really biiiig!! Butt workouts have now taken a whole new meaning for me! 🤯😈
I'll keep you all updated on my progress with it! So far I think I got 13 inches in, I'll have to measure from now on.
Okay I checked just for fun in the bath to see how far I can get it in on my first try, not too bad, lemme work on it for a while! That's the 18-incher.
Diary of an Internet Whore, Aug. 21, 2020
Yesterday was a very weird day that felt eventful although from the outside perspective it might not seem as such a big deal. I haven't said much about my family life, but for those of you who have been following my adventures and vicissitudes, you have probably inferred that it's conflictual at best. The reality is much more complicated.
First off, I have to say that my family loves me very much and I love them too. But we have a hard time getting along together for more than a couple hours. I come from a long lineage of alcoholics; I won’t get into details but my maternal grandfather died from cirrhosis and delirium tremens way before I was born. Contacts with my extended family both on the maternal and paternal sides has been about once a year until 5 years ago, and since my transition I have not seen much of them, if any. We had never been really close, for reasons I won’t get into too deep as of now; let's just say that on my maternal side, the relationships with my aunts and uncle have been cordial at best, and on paternal side, they're never been much in our lives at all. I was really really close to my maternal grandma, as when my parents split up when I was yo ung and we had to scrape by in low-income housing, she was our babysitter till I was about 12, when I was able to take care of my lil bro and sister. Yes, I have siblings.
Life in my nuclear family has always been hectic. We've lived together, but we all had our own schedules, no family meals, we made our ways through lives and everyone would get dru nk all the time. We were THAT house in the neighbourhood where there were 2 open houses a week for about 8 years, throughout our teenage years. My dad has always been a heavy drinker and for him, the more the merrier. Studying or holding a regular job was very difficult as parties would always last till the wee hours of morning. That's why when I decided to take control of my life at 24, I moved some 125 km away, and put myself into debt to study and be able to succeed and get out of the restaurant and small sidelines hustles.
Despite all this, one thing I have to say is that they have always accepted me as I am. I've been a depressed, moody mess from ages 20-30. I had a lot of anger arising from my "shameful" secret. Even my friendships were impacted by my weighted heart. Nobody knew what was wrong with me and they were saddened, but also annoyed at my perpetual existential angst. When I came out, it was a relief to them to know what had been wrong with me this whole time. Although they cried and felt like they were losing a friend, a brother, a son, I explained to them that I am still very much the same person; every experience we had had together is still valid, and I am the same but the difference is that now I am not hiding 50% of my Self anymore.
So why have I not moved back with them when I lost everything last April? Well first, I thought I had found My Man. But second, there’s also the fact that although I’ve gotten way better in the past 3.5 years, they thought that my coming out was the big moment where I’d finally be HAPPY, but they don’t understand that it’s a process, that it takes time, it was only the beginning. I am still suffering from many issues including my dysphoria, as despite all my best efforts and working 3 jobs 50-80 hours a week 6-7 days a week for years I have struggled to pay back my university debt, and finance my transition, for which nothing is covered here in Canada. I pay everything out of pocket. I cannot get a Starbucks weekend job for 3 months and get $100 000 worth of facial feminization surgeries like the American shemales. I have to hustle and grind non-stop, and makes sacrifices, and live in absolutely horrendous apartments to try to scrape by the money for surgeries. Meanwhile, everyone enjoys life, parties, etc., but I could not. I had not had any sexual relationships in 12 years before I started feeling comfortable enough in my new body and having sex with men less than 2 years ago.
Anyways, I’m ranting. I could go on and on and about the reasons why I’m exhausted, hurt, disillusioned, and fighting every morning just to make it through another day. I’d just need a break, you know? A place I could call home, have a full night’s sleep, not being worried about being woken up or kicked out at a moment’s notice... But I guess life doesn’t have this in store for me yet. I still have to work hard with little sleep and no money.
So where am I getting at? Well, yesterday was a big moment. We hadn’t seen my mum’s side of the family in over 3 years. Last time they saw me, I was still, kind of a guy. My uncle bought this new beautiful home in the Townships with this beautiful brook in his backyard and he invited us for a BBQ. I was happy to see them at last and their reactions were very good. No big deal was made about me being a chick.
I still couldn’t help but feel disassociated for many reasons. Everyone is talking about buying homes, about their new grandkids, my cousin’s children, family life, etc. Meanwhile, I’m just there, looking like a TV star, but I’m lonely and sad and I feel my life is empty. I battled depression for 10 years and wasted precious time between 15-25 years old. Then From 25 to now I invested all my time and energy just to BE me. I know that children, wedding, family life isn’t in store for me. I wonder what my life will be when I will be old. Alone? Forlorn? Seeing all that happiness was difficult. Weddings make me cry, because I know I’ll never get to experience that. I don’t think I even want to anymore. I just need to focus on doing me my own way.
They asked me how I was doing, how was my career (remember, my university degree job?). I told ‘em I got fired because of covid. They asked where I live. I said I lost my apartment and I couchsurf. Way to feel like a loser among people who all have their lives together. They asked me what I have been doing since, where I am looking for jobs. And it was difficult, because I couldn’t tell them. I haven’t seen them in years. How could I tell them I make money by sucking dick and getting fucked in the ass all over the Web?
Then my dad got very dr unk. I feel guilty, often. I know he’s always had a problem, but I think I’m making it worse. I don’t want to be a disappointment to my family. On the other hand, I wish they could be happy for me, to know I’m doing something that I enjoy, that I am good at, and that finally motivates me to get out of bed after 20 years of darkness. I don’t know how to just say it, and be honest. I fear judgment, but at the same time, I am proud of the work I do. But it’s such a taboo. Being what I am was already a big pill to swallow for everyone. But they love me anyways. And they know I’m still hiding something.
On the way back in the car, in the rainy night, I was driving because I was the only sober one. My sister was sitting passenger front beside me and she asked me, how I have been doing since I left daddy’s home after getting into a fight with her. Where I’ve been living, what I’ve been doing? Am I ok? Do I have any plans? There was a silence. And she said she just wants me to be happy. And I realized I could never fix all my family relationships if I have to hide something from them. I’m just a terrible liar, so if I have a secret, I stay away from those I love to “protect” them from my shameful secrets... and that’s exactly what fucked everything up in the past 15 years. Because I never talk about what goes on inside me. I just pull away. I should give them the benefit of the doubt, after all, they always accepted me in all my fucked up weirdness. I am being unfair by not telling them.
So I spilled the beans.
I told her.
I’m an Internet Whore, sister. I suck dick and get fucked on camera for a living.
You're playing Fallout, and you stumble upon trap at an industrial wasteland. What's your next move?
I haven't had time to play video games in many years, with university, then working all my jobs to pay it back while morphing into a babe, and now that I've got some free time on my hand, I thought I'd do an industrial wasteland themed photoshoot that reminds me of one of my favourite games, the Fallout series. Unfortunately the last time I played, I think I was halfway through New Vegas, and could never finish as my PS3 was broken in one of my many many moves from one crappy apartment to another!
Diary of an Internet Whore
As far as I can think back, I remember I've always told people they can be all they want to be. I realize I had forgotten this mindset in the past few months, as I was spiralling into panic and despair.
As weird as this may sound, what's always saved me in dark times is the iron addict mindset. By that, I mean the rules that I have learned from an early age, at the gym. I started lifting when I was 13 because I was sick and tired of getting bullied and roughed up and made fun of and I figured if I became some kind of mini-Arnold people would leave me the fuck alone and maybe I would enjoy being a boy and be able to rid my mind of all these girly and kinky feelings and cravings?
And so I embarked on an 11-year journey into bodybuilding. If you saw pictures of me at 17-22 years old you wouldn't believe me. I was literally mini-Arnold. Extremely muscular, huge for my small 5'5" frame, and ripped to shreds as we say. But I was deeply unhappy and the more of a Chad I was becoming, the more I realized I actually am a Stacy deep at heart.
There was this scary time at 24 where I had lost all will to live and was living like a machine. Day in, day out, I followed the plan. People asked me how I was able to stay motivated to workout 7-9 times a week. And I told them: "I am not motivated. I simply plan and exert self-discipline. This is what I do. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday, morning and after noon, if it's on the plan, I do it, no more no less. Consistency, dedication. You can do it too if you don't look for excuses. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So I was a success in the eyes of others, yet, they all knew I was the most unhappy person they knew. There was this unspeakable darkness inside me, yet they could perceive that I am a benevolent, loving soul. But I was suffering...
I decided to follow my own advice. Make a plan, stick to it. As ironic as it may sound, throughout my transition I looked up to my idol, Schwarzenegger. This is a man with vision who knows how to make things happen, who went into very different directions in his life and was successfull each time. So at 24 I walked out of the weight room with my jacked-up macho frame. I could have fallen into despair and self-pity over having "ruined" my body, as it is how I essentially felt. How could I ever lose 50 pounds of hard rock muscle and become the cute loving blondie I know I am? I had climbed a huge mountain and was at the top, one 315 pounds squat reps at a time, for thousands and thousands of reps.
The body will follow the mind, and my mind is strong. So I laid out the plan. I'd induce muscle catabolism, starve myself, all the while returning to school to get my university degree so I could land a job to finance my transition. Still in the back of my mind lurked the idea that what I was doing was wrong, and that maybe I could cure myself by the end of my bachelor's degree, and at least I'd have a profession and be able to live as a man?
I got the diploma, landed the job, paid back the debts, but was still stuck in soul-crushing dysphoria. At 30, I thought I wanted to die, until a spiritual experience made me realize that I did not want to die; I actually love life, but I didn't want to live it the way I had lived it so far. I wanted to live it my way. I was afraid. Fear of judgment is strong. I remembered the bullying when I was you ng, the insults, being called a girly blondie, a cocksucker, etc., and it dawned on me that hey, why not prove them wrong? What's wrong about being a blondie girly cocksucker? I think that a lot of people actually love it!
So a few weeks before my 31st birthday, skinny as a skeleton after years of starvation, I stuck that first estradiol valerate needle in my buttcheek. Goodbye fake masculinity. No more skeletons in the closet. I came out and started embracing an authentic life. I realized that there is nothing wrong with being who I am and that I can show others that you can achieve your wildest dreams if you set your mind to it. I have done it. I just took this picture of my body this morning. Using the knowledge I learned as a kid, and the fire burning inside me, I did what seemed impossible and turned sad and forlorn Chad into happy and social Stacy, with a body designed, shaped, modded, and used specifically for sex 😇
Fast-forward to today, and I love it now when boys pull my hair and pin me down and call me a cocksucker. Quite frankly, I happily oblige 😈
The best part is that this entire time, I was following the rules of the iron addict life. If anyone is interested, I will quote below Arnold's six rules of success:
"1. Trust yourself
Many yo ung people are getting so much advice from their parents and from their teachers and from everyone. But what is most important is that you have to dig deep down, dig deep down and ask yourselves, who do you want to be? Not what, but who. Figure out for yourselves what makes you happy, no matter how crazy it may sound to other people.
2. Break the Rules
Break the rules, not the law, but break the rules. It is impossible to be a maverick or a true original if you’re too well behaved and don’t want to break the rules. You have to think outside the box. That’s what I believe. After all, what is the point of being on this earth if all you want to do is be liked by everyone and avoid trouble?
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Fail
Anything I’ve ever attempted, I was always willing to fail. So you can’t always win, but don’t afraid of making decisions. You can’t be paralysed by fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You keep pushing because you believe in yourself and in your vision and you know that it is the right thing to do, and success will come. So don’t be afraid to fail.
4. Don’t Listen to the Naysayers
How many times have you heard that you can’t do this and you can’t do that and it’s never been done before? I love it when someone says that no one has ever done this before, because then when I do it that means that I’m the first one that has done it. So pay no attention to the people that say it can’t be done. I never listen to, “You can’t.” (Applause) I always listen to myself and say, “Yes, you can.”
5. Work Your Butt Off
You never want to fail because you didn’t work hard enough. Mohammed Ali, one of my great heroes, had a great line in the ’70s when he was asked, “How many sit-ups do you do?” He said, “I don’t count my sit-ups. I only start counting when it starts hurting. When I feel pain, that’s when I start counting, because that’s when it really counts.” That’s what makes you a champion. No pain, no gain.
But when you’re out there partying, horsing around, someone out there at the same time is working hard. Someone is getting smarter and someone is winning. Just remember that. Now, if you want to coast through life, don’t pay attention to any of those rules. But if you want to win, there is absolutely no way around hard, hard work. Just remember, you can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.
6. Give something back
We are not where we are today without any help. We all get help along the way. We've never done it by ourselves. Everything I have done—show business, politics, money I made, success in business and bodybuilding, my foundation, environmental organisations—it's always with a lot of help from a lot of people. Since they helped me, I should now help others! This is why I have after-school programs, why I help with Special Olympics, and why I care about environmental issues. I want to clean up the environment and create a green-energy future so our world is a better place than when we inherited it.
We have to help people. There are millions of children who need help, who come from families that don't have enough money or don't read well. Help them learn to read! Encourage people to exercise! Join an organisation where you can give a kid a hug, hang a medal around their neck and say, "You're a winner! We believe in you. We love you. We care for you.
Do something for your community, your state, your country. Give something back."
It has been a while I hadn't posted really kinky stuff with bondage, chains, restraints, and latex. I found this one in my archives that I had forgotten to post. So here we go. In this one, I had introduced a new component: A fuck machine! I was strapped all spread apart at the four corners of my former bed while getting fucked relentlessly by the machine, before moving on to an actual cock for my usual ass-to-mouth deepthroat action, and a really sloppy one at that, with a glorious facial cumshot at the end! A bit over 16 minutes of hardcore, wet, depraved porn! Enjoy 😈
Just bought two friends and this time they're BENDABLE so I can work up to swallow them whole up my ass and throat! It's my challenge for this fall! I'm gonna starting training with them soon LIVE on cam and will let you know the timeframe so you can join me and take part in the fun and challenge me!
Boring lonely Saturday night when I'm feeling like doing nothing but trouble! Who else is in a naughty mood?
I went to see a "manager" who turned out to be a fluke, once again. So I wasted another evening I could have spent with friends.
Can anyone tell me what is the point of being a poser?
At least yesterday after the car show the hottest girl at the bar kissed ME rather than any of the guys that were lusting after us 🤣 Geez that happens often to me hahahah
Diary of an Internet Whore, August 14, 2020
Yesterday I went on a Jeep Renegade ride with a new friend and took this picture. It struck me as similar to the picture of Sarah Connor in the first Terminator movie. I spent all day discussing with this new friend about life. She's also a trans like me but with 10 years more experience in transition. We had a great connection and she knows people and directors in the porn business and told me how I have all it takes to make a great career and they would looove to work with me. And the truth is that I would love to, I absolutely love doing this work. It's a passion for me. I love to get up early and spend 8 hours to workout workout, answer messages, eat clean, stretch, clean up to be pornstar clean inside-out, doll up, and shoot wild sex the entire late afternoon and evening. It's a lot of work but as they say if you love your job you'll never work a day in your life.
For the first time in weeks I felt invigorated again. I thought of what Sarah says at the end of Judgment Day.. "The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope," and it struck me that when I started working on my Onlyfans account in June, it was the first time in over a DECADE that I was actually happy and motivated to get out of bed and work on my day. Everything about this business feels natural to me. I'm not doing it because I am being made to do out of need and hate it like some do, or for being in a bad spot and doing it as a last resort. No, I have other options. But I have a passion for this stuff and the other options make my soul sad. I'm not sure we really get only one life, but even if we have many, why not enjoy them the way we want?
The difficult part is that I must admit I still love my bf/ex/bf/ex/bf/ex and I feel like I have to make a choice between A) having someone I love in my life but working jobs that make me terribly unhappy, or B) Pursuing my dreams but losing that relationship. And it feels unfair. And I don't see why both couldn't work together. Of course, I have to admit that when he met me I was a shy office job girl, and now I want to get fucked on cam with others in front of millions of people and that makes him uncomfortable. But at the same time, I wonder, shouldn't he be proud that his gf becomes a worldwide star? Because I know I can make it big and I really want to give it my all. And it would break my heart to not pursue a career that I enjoy when the opportunity was handed to me and I refused to take it. But it would also break my heart to not go back with someone for whom I have strong feelings. However, our relationship has also hurt me deeply 4 times already in a bit over a year, so I am really hesitating and can't feel full trust and confidence anymore.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and now I really understand the deep meaning of the expression. Would I be pursuing a vain dream? Would I fail? Or would I make it to the big leagues and finally have the life I've dreamed of in a way I could never have done otherwise? If I don't try, I will never know, and live with regrets. I'd just wish that the person I love would be by my side whether I become famous or fail miserably. And if I choose to let go of my dreams, I think I will end up breaking my own heart and resenting myself and maybe resenting him too.
Either way, I'm fucked 💔
Hey! So I've read the responses I got from last week's poll. I see half of you said you just want to see me suck dick, but there's also at least half of you who are interested in other aspects such as my musings. That makes me feel appreciated in two ways; first because apparently I am eye-candy and you enjoy watching me do sex stuff and I invest a lot of time and effort into it so it's nice to see I must be doing it right; but the second is that you also take interest in what I do and have to say. Now, is it going to be enlightening or not, only time will tell.
One thing I know is that over my short time on this website and in this "business" I've had the pleasure of having some thoughtful, and even deeply perceptive fans who have helped me dive into an introspective journey to help me figure out "Who am I?"
Another thing I know for sure is that I am very perfectionist. This might sound like a quality, but it is not always so. In my case, this constant striving to perfection causes me to suffer from a condition referred to as paralysis by analysis. Every time I have a project or an idea in mind I will turn it over and over in my mind until I have run all possible scenarios, and THEN only if the conditions are perfect I will set out to do it, secretly at first, until I have a product that I deem worthy of presenting. This can be the key to success in some instances: for example, if you are designing some kind of surgical device for which there is no margin for error.
However, I have come to realize that in this venture that I have undertaken, the end result should not be the focus; rather, the purpose is the journey itself. It's a story about life. A story about love, hurt, hopes, failures, dreams, reality, a story about a girl next door with a big secret that's trying to make her way through life and who always gets back up on her feet despite all the hardships she has overcome and is still going through. And from reading your chats, comments, and parts of your stories, I have come to realize that I am not the only one who oftentimes feels inadequate, not good enough, and hesitates to pursue her dreams.
But I've done it before. Many, many times I have taken leaps of faith and succeeded against all odds. I've shared snippets of my current and past life with you, and many have thanked me and said that I have given them hope and inspire them to do the same, that even in my currently low place, battling my heartbreak, job loss, and semi-homelessness they see strength in my spirit that I forgot I have. So thank you for that. I want to share more of it. I've been thinking a lot about it for the past week and I want to take action and make it happen. I am not sure what final format it will have, but maybe that's exactly the point: it will be like life, everything will be about experiencing the journey, the wait, the angsts, the joys, as they happen, without full control over it except for a hope and striving to find happiness and self-achievement.
For all I know, it could simply be self-therapy, because I sure need it. My whole life has been in upheaval ever since I started this "project," if I may call it so. I've been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, successes and failures, manic and depressive episodes. Still unsure if I am simply being an unrealistic brat creating her own doom, or if life really threw me a few curved ones... but I can't remain idle and do nothing anymore. That's just not like me. Being on neutral kills my soul and I am an on/off type of person. All, or nothing. And so, after moping around for a month, I started posting again and taking care of my mind and understanding that hiding away in my room (which has been difficult to do, considering I don't technically have one!) is not the road to healing, and that sharing and discussing with people and talking about existential pain is a road to redemption, and if writing an account of how I manage to stay the course even when it feels like my entire world is crumbling apart.
I'm taking it one day at a time, and today, what kept me sane was to kick my own sorry ass out of bed, and even if I hadn't plucked my eyebrows in days, had messy dirty hair, felt like shit, had no energy whatsoever, and was certainly not going to spend an hour painting myself a perfect face, I was just going to enjoy being me, and open up to a friend who's been worrying about me, my apparent lack of direction, and we went to the beach, and when she asked me why I am stuck in this bad rut, where I'm going to live, what I'm gonna do, I had absolutely no good answer to give her. But when she asked me if there is one thing I'd FEEL like doing, I said I'd like to write again. I used to write a lot, in my previous life, when I was in academics. And I was really good at it. And that I've been wondering a lot lately, how did my life ever come to this???
And so she asked me "But what are you going to write about"?
I matter-of-factly answered: "I think I could write the truth of my life, the Diary of an Internet Whore?"
Maybe...
Okay so the silver ones got all destroyed while I moved my stuff to a new room.
So I did these yesterday. Unpractical as fuck but very cool. Apparently amazing at scratching heads and backs.
Heading out to the spa today, not sure if they'll allow me to take pics!
Anyone else into clawy talons?
A couple weeks ago, I did a quick stop by my ex's place.
What can I say, a girl got her needs. So I dared him to do that daytime balcony fuck I've been teasing everyone about.
Filming in the rain with an old non-waterproof camera was something!
I was chatting with a fan and I made a remark about his username that sounds like a quote from Fight Club, and he asked me if I am a fan of the movie.
AM I A FIGHT CLUB FAN 💖 Please fuck me Tyler so I can wear your bathrobe!💦💦💦
Hey!
As I'm getting out of this really dark place I've been in for the past month, I realize there's a lot more to me than sucking big dicks.
Here's an example of a dish that I am really good at doing. Last year I was taught how to make THE greatest Beef Wellington, and that's what it looks like when I make it, imagine what it tastes like!
Which of the following topics would you be most interested in seeing me create content about?
Don't worry, I'll always add a sexy touch to it, and yes, I'm still into sucking big dicks nevertheless!
I've been asked many times about my booty workout, so I decided to treat you all and record the full version of my main workout. You could also strap ankle weights or use resistance bands when it becomes too easy. It's been difficult to find places and time to record stuff as you all know I'm still homeless and couchsurfing here and there, but that was a good sunny day and I took advantage of the occasion! So for those of you who want to build a sexy booty, I hope it gives you some inspiration to draw on, and for the others, you can still enjoy seeing me stretch in all kind of positions in my tiny red Doll bikini! I'll post it as freebie, enjoy and thank you all for your support and concern! 💋
You know what, there's a good thing about going back to your actual dad's place for one night when you're 34 and broke and out of options. You get to curl up in a blanket on your teenage year's couch and escape for an evening to watch chick flicks and dream of how life could be like a movie with a happy ending, and even if it's just for 90 minutes, it alleviates the sadness in your heart just enough to make you smile and laugh a few times. And sometimes that's all it takes to make a bit of a difference.
"That Awkward Moment" was a very, very good chick flick 💛 I recommend it if you're feeling blue.
