布団から出られず、動きたくもなく、食欲もないが、練習中は頭から悲しい事を忘れられると思って外に出てきた。 眠れずずっと横..
Added 2022-05-01 14:00:49 +0000 UTC布団から出られず、動きたくもなく、食欲もないが、練習中は頭から悲しい事を忘れられると思って外に出てきた。
眠れずずっと横になっていた体は体力の消耗が激しく、5分パスをしただけで鉛の様に重く固まった。
試合中は息を整えるのにも時間がかかり、この何ヶ月か頑張って作ってきた体は弱くなってしまったのかとさらに悲しくなった。
私は元気ですと言った方がいいかと、しばらくログインしていないSNS用に自撮りましたが、笑えない。顔が変だ。
体育館から近い実家の母が、おばあちゃんちで採れた筍とみんなに差し入れを持ってきてくれた。
ありがたい。
私にあった出来事を話すと「顔がこけてるよ、頬のところとかげっそりしてる。」と。
そんなこと気にするな、タイミングもある。とサバサバした口調で話す母の顔には少しの心配とそんな事気にするなという表情、それと少し怒っているような感じがした。
帰り道も気を抜くと涙が出てきて気持ちも溢れてくるので、なるべく電車に乗らず歩く事にした。
歩きながら泣いている女に暗がりですれ違った人達は驚いただろうな。
・
I couldn't get out from under the covers, didn't want to move, and had no appetite, but I came outside thinking I could forget the sadness from my head during practice.
My body, which had been lying down for so long without sleep, was so drained of energy that it stiffened heavily like lead after just five minutes of passing.
It took me a long time to catch my breath during the game, and I felt even sadder that my body, which I had worked so hard to build over the past months, had become so weak.
I took a selfie for social media, which I haven't logged into for a while, to see if I should say I'm fine, but it's not funny. My face looks funny.
My mother, whose parents live close to the gym, brought me some bamboo shoots from my grandma's house and some goodies for everyone.
I'm so grateful.
When I told her what had happened to me, she said, "You have a scowl on your face, your cheeks are all scruffy." She said, "Don't worry about that.
Don't worry about that. My mother's face had an expression of concern, a look that said, "Don't worry about it," and a hint of anger.
On the way home, if I let my guard down, I would start to cry and my feelings would overflow, so I decided to walk instead of taking the train as much as possible.
People I passed in the dark must have been surprised to see a woman crying while walking.
